that time of year again,

hello, it's that time of the year again! It feels like last year during my A levels, where all I wanted was for my exams to be over so I can party my ass off. Honestly I didn't give two shits about my results. I just wanted to be with my boy and my friends and drink lots and lots of booze and be pretty. But this time I can't let myself go off like a loose canon before I actually get to my holiday. I just can't! I have to sit myself down to study for my exams. Except... I've already fucked up four of them. And another one coming up..... oh god. I feel so guilty. I've wasted a year practically not learning anything or doing anything with my life. But that's about to change.

I have university soon! I'll start my fashion/lifestyle/music blog, I've started exercising, eating well and do my best at life. If you don't change yourself, you can't change what you get, so they say. Alright then, here we go!

Plans for june is... to dye my hair ombre grey and purple, to do my nails, to go shopping in KL, party with my boys and girls in singapore and to hang loose with my favourite boy on earth. Honestly so thankful that my mom is the most accepting and forgiving person on the world. She doesn't always understand, but she always think in my shoe and give me the best she can afford.

Thankful for all the people in my life. So thankful. 

fear is the heart of love,

“Don’t look to others for happiness, people make too many mistakes. Look to yourself Ziva, and that is where you’ll find it.”

"No, woman. None of us have to go to anyone. And the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job, and just. Stop. Hating ourselves."

//

So maybe I've become one of those inspirational nut that constantly talk about independent happiness and insist on how exercise changes one's life. I'll live a happy boring life, sleeping early and never really go out. I won't have crazy party tales and I won't find myself feeling empty standing in the middle of the dancefloor at five in the morning. But then again, if you can't fight it, live with it. I'm boring. And I'm content sleeping eight hours a day, and having lunch with my classmates and spend my nights on youtube. It really isn't that bad. Because I've at least stopped expecting other people to make me happy. I have at least stopped relying on others to feel happy. I can be happy, on my own. I can do whatever I want, I can choose how I feel. And freedom can be lonely but freedom is freedom.

*two of my favorite quotes, from NCIS & Community. Hey, TV shows ain't all bad.

I’d go and catch the moon
And I’d drag it down to you
But I know you’d be brighter anyway
I’d walk the whole Great Wall
And every brick I’d count ‘em all
Then I’d start over the next day

Cause I've never loved anything like I love you.

right here, right now.

I understand that you no longer wish to be in a long distance relationship. The hardest part for me is to understand the need to let go even though we both love each other deeply. I can't seem to convince myself that it is actually possible to have to end a relationship under this kind of circumstance. I genuinely thought that love would be enough. Why couldn't you have been contented with spending quality time with me? Ending a relationship right before you were gonna make a trip to come here and see me. And I suppose it makes sense that you no longer wish to see me because it'll make the break up even harder. But wouldn't it be better to break up face to face because its not working out and not cause we don't love each other anymore? I know you do wanna see me still and I know you miss me as much as I do miss you. 

And if I wasn't happy anymore, would it be appropriate to just cancel this trip altogether and be done with it all? I don't know, something inside me calls out and I know I have a need for you to be here right now.

bad boy,

Is it possible to be doing something right thinking it is wrong? Could cruelty be good for you? Could you be lonely by choice and still hate every single second of it? I spent today answering all the questions that will never have a correct answer. Why do I have a constant need for disappointments, almost like I set myself up for it just to feel myself fall. 

I just wanted to be on the right track. I just want to be proud of who I've been, I want to be deserving of what I have. If this was a test of my resilience perhaps I have failed beyond repair. Within a few minutes I was broken down into nothing, and this time I did nothing to cause it. And if asking someone to be there for you like how you have been there for them all this while is such a crime, then let me have the consequences I so deserve.

To know more than I should, to understand you more than I should, to love and forgive more than I should is perhaps the worst kind of karma there is. If I knew I couldn't be wrong I'd give you up in a heartbeat. It's scary isn't it, how we can never understand how people can let go in a moment until we do it ourselves. And to let go, takes more courage than you can ever imagine.

And in this moment I feel the world turn upside down and all the rights became wrong again. I can't, I just can't figure it all out.

(I honestly have no idea what I've written and I am not coherent right now.)