Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know.

Maybe everyone's a little bit lost in this world. Going about doing their own thing hoping, thinking that they know exactly where they're going. Life has warped us, taught us to pretend to know what we don't. Feeling things that we don't. As you grow old, as time passes, you realize a lot of things that you wished you knew years back, and that's the problem. All that we know is a little bit too late, like we're always a little bit too late to catch on the train that'll take us to the next destination on time. Some run their whole life, chasing and perhaps catching the train, not knowing where exactly it took them. But some strolled, not caring where they were going just as long as they enjoyed the journey on the way to the station. Some are on wheelchairs their whole life, pushed towards places they never really wanted to go, at a pace they were never too comfortable with. But the sad thing is we only live life once and make choices once, and second chances is a just a concept we made up to make everything feel a little less sad.

If everyone had no concept of debts, gratitude and a little less expectations in one another, maybe life would be more fulfilling.

Or maybe everyone's a little bit lost in this world.

//

jaded.

Submerged,

So what happens when you wake up full of depressing thoughts and silent screams. What do you do when you look out the steamed out window and find out that it's pouring outside. Trapped in a make-believe castle, thinking that you were doing fine. But you're not. You make mistakes after mistakes, not willing to learn. You tell yourself that you will get up from this fall, you will learn to be independent. As if falling was somehow empowering. 

Time has turned into a vacuum, like nothing is progressing, like I'm waiting for something to change. But what will change if I don't change? Yes, I must. I know what I must do. So get up and go. It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you don't stop.

/

September. University. New environment. New people. New me. Go.

that time of year again,

hello, it's that time of the year again! It feels like last year during my A levels, where all I wanted was for my exams to be over so I can party my ass off. Honestly I didn't give two shits about my results. I just wanted to be with my boy and my friends and drink lots and lots of booze and be pretty. But this time I can't let myself go off like a loose canon before I actually get to my holiday. I just can't! I have to sit myself down to study for my exams. Except... I've already fucked up four of them. And another one coming up..... oh god. I feel so guilty. I've wasted a year practically not learning anything or doing anything with my life. But that's about to change.

I have university soon! I'll start my fashion/lifestyle/music blog, I've started exercising, eating well and do my best at life. If you don't change yourself, you can't change what you get, so they say. Alright then, here we go!

Plans for june is... to dye my hair ombre grey and purple, to do my nails, to go shopping in KL, party with my boys and girls in singapore and to hang loose with my favourite boy on earth. Honestly so thankful that my mom is the most accepting and forgiving person on the world. She doesn't always understand, but she always think in my shoe and give me the best she can afford.

Thankful for all the people in my life. So thankful. 

fear is the heart of love,

“Don’t look to others for happiness, people make too many mistakes. Look to yourself Ziva, and that is where you’ll find it.”

"No, woman. None of us have to go to anyone. And the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job, and just. Stop. Hating ourselves."

//

So maybe I've become one of those inspirational nut that constantly talk about independent happiness and insist on how exercise changes one's life. I'll live a happy boring life, sleeping early and never really go out. I won't have crazy party tales and I won't find myself feeling empty standing in the middle of the dancefloor at five in the morning. But then again, if you can't fight it, live with it. I'm boring. And I'm content sleeping eight hours a day, and having lunch with my classmates and spend my nights on youtube. It really isn't that bad. Because I've at least stopped expecting other people to make me happy. I have at least stopped relying on others to feel happy. I can be happy, on my own. I can do whatever I want, I can choose how I feel. And freedom can be lonely but freedom is freedom.

*two of my favorite quotes, from NCIS & Community. Hey, TV shows ain't all bad.

I’d go and catch the moon
And I’d drag it down to you
But I know you’d be brighter anyway
I’d walk the whole Great Wall
And every brick I’d count ‘em all
Then I’d start over the next day

Cause I've never loved anything like I love you.